Today, was a day where I realized it was all worth it. When
my time over seas was over, each and every time it ended, I was faced with the
reality that my life was changed forever. I could never be the same, and things
would never again look as they did during that particular season. Sometimes it
ended in sad send offs, and other times in a celebration that I had survived
it.
I would either choose to avoid thinking about what I had
left behind, attempting to forget it ever happened, or I would choose to constantly
live in it, wishing I was back there again. Wherever there was, with whoever
they were; Friends, teammates, contacts, countries, cities. I would see videos
from my original race and cry, missing the sweet times of being with my team. Through
thick and thin they were my family. Seeing faces of squad mates who I adored by
the end of our year, and who are now spread throughout the country, with only technology
holding us together.
Today I saw the shift that happened. I was at work, sorting
through another pile of someone elses stuff (I do estate sales) and I decided
to watch some of the videos from my race, for the first time in a very long
time. I saw the faces of dear friends, who are still such a big part of my
life, teammates who loved each other, fought for each other, and the send offs
we had together. All I could do was smile. There were no tears in me, no
sadness in not living in that moment anymore. Instead there was joy, laughter
at our crazy selves and a deep appreciation that I ever got to live my life
with such an incredible group of people.
At some point during this last season, when I wasn’t paying
attention, my heart shifted. It shifted to a place of gratitude and deep love,
and also an understanding that life moves on with stories yet to be written, life yet to be lived and love yet to be given. Instead of wanting to relive my
life, I was excited for the moments that were ahead of me, the ones that I get
to experience for the first time. The people I get to fight for right now, the
friendships that will grow and thrive.
My time in Colorado has been a rocky one, full of tears and
desperate cries wondering what I was doing here. Then slowly community showed
up, God showed up and life started to seep through the cracks, slowly weeding out
my fears and frustration. I have had to fight to choose to be bold, and to
choose to step out of my comfort zone. I had to choose to let go of past frustrations with the church and jumped into a church that
challenges me. I have been welcomed into a group of women that so desire to
hear from the Lord and to fight for their time with him even when it’s messy.
Even if it means just showing up when it seems nothing in you wants to. Raw—ah
I love raw!!
I have heard words of life spoken, spirits get revived and I
have been able to let my spirit be free, just to be who I was created to be.
Somewhere along the way my life went from a flat line, to pulsing with life. I
have fought through hard questions I have never wanted to ask. I have sat in my
mess waiting, knowing I was in a moment where waiting was all I could do. I
have recognized apathy, stood up and told it to get the hell out of my
life. It’s not easy, everyday is a
choice, and even on the days when I want to hop on a plane and be somewhere
else, I stay. Trusting that each step I make is taking me closer to the place I
want to be. I’m learning to put instant gratification on the back burner, and
embrace the trials that come without running away.
My life is good, and it’s only getting better. It’s not
determined by how I feel in any given moment, it’s just the truth. I was made
for big things, and so I am expectant that they are coming. I have experienced such a great realease by
just being able to be the intense passionate me that I am. Now I am excited for
a time of joy, of being the crazy, witty, sometimes overly inappropriate
humorous person that I am. This next season I declare as my season of laughter!
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