The forbidden S word....Slut.

I have noticed something really interesting lately. First off I am so far from who I once was, that things in my past feel like a figment of my imagination. Secondly when you are completely confident in who you are and talk about your past freely and honestly it makes people really uncomfortable.

I could probably phrase it in a way that didn’t make them squirm in their seats, but to be honest I rather enjoy their reactions. So I stick to the tried and true method of being completely raw when I start a sentence with this phrase, “I used to be a major slut”. More times then not I say it without even thinking, to me I am just calling it what it is. As soon as the words leave my mouth, I see varying reactions. Eyes twitching, poor attempts to hide cringing, shifting in seats, a very blatant looking around to see if anyone else heard.

I am free from who I once was, therefore I feel freedom to be completely honest about who I was without shame or guilt. The interesting thing is when you let someone new into that part of who you were, you can see them begin to assume that shame or guilt for you. It’s like they take it on, wondering how in the world you could say that and not be weary of what people would think.

Well the simple answer is, because that is not who I am. It does not define my worth, nor does it take away from my value. It is something I did. There are times where I can look back on a decision and think, “Seriously! Come on Hailey pull yourself together. If only you knew the love that is waiting for you, the confidence, the passion you would not be doing what you are.”

But, I didn’t know and so I did the only thing I knew how to do at the time to try and feel anything remotely like love. I slutted it up.

It was a low point, but an even lower point was when I walked away from it and I felt like I had to hide it. To conceal it so that people wouldn’t see my flaws, and faults. I hid my past so people would take me seriously and support me in being a missionary. I could only imagine people’s reactions if I was honest. I could almost hear them saying, “What makes this broken, used up, slutty girl qualified to even attempt to bind up the broken hearted, or bring healing to anyone?”

Good point, what does make me qualified? Absolutely nothing, and you know whats great about that is it doesn’t matter, nothing qualifies me and yet he chose me. He says I’m enough, I’m called, I’m worthy. Knowing that has changed everything in my life; Knowing that means I can look anyone in the eyes and be completely honest about who I was. Knowing that means I can look women in the eyes all over the world and tell them whatever you did is not bigger then him and he still wants you.

So to the world: My name is Hailey and I used to be a major slut. I’m redeemed, renewed and made new. I will not be defined by the actions of an insecure part of my life, nor will I let it be hidden and fester to create shame and guilt inside of me.  Whoever you are and whatever you’ve done that you think is to big for God, it’s not.

Maybe it’s time for those of us who have stepped in the messier parts of life and walked out of it, to be honest about where we came from, and what we have become instead of pretending it never happened. There is freedom in us being transparent and raw.