Flipping over as each new wave kept me from the surface I had a weird sense of calm. I knew I was ok, I had been warned. I understood that panic would happen, but I had managed to avoid it. I felt myself rising to the surface of the water, ready to take a breath. The breath I had so patiently waited for as a reward for my obedience of not panicking. My face broke the barrier of the crashing waves as I inhaled deeply, only to be met with a wave crashing down on me sending me plunging back beneath the surface.
This is the actual picture of us right before I got knocked into the water.
My calm attitude dissolved, along with the hope of catching a breath between the waves. I was dying, I had never been more certain of it in my life. My rafting instructor had not seen this coming. Her assurance of survival had not anticipated my untimely death. Her words were mere vapor swirling around me, taunting me for being decieved into believing they were true.
Panic gripped me as I struggled to reach the surface while keeping my feet from getting snagged by the bottom of the river. As instructed I had worn tight form fitting clothing, in order to prevent them from being removed by the force of the Nile. In this moment it was clear that the way too tight yoga pants I was wearing were no match for the strength they were surrounded by. My pants were being sucked right off my body, hanging a foot off of my toe threatening to trap me amidst the rocks hovering at the bottom of the river.
The fight between breathing and keeping my pants had commenced. Leaving me scared of any out come; A dead me intact with pants and all, or an alive pants-less me making it back to my raft minus two very important articles of clothing. Nothing else existed in that moment. My life consisted of only those two options, dead or pants less. I had given up my last attempt to tug my pants upwards, and decided my life, though marred by the idea of spending the next half of the day all but naked was better off alive. I was ready to sacrifice my insecurities to live. Just at that moment a kayak appeared above me telling me to grab on.
I could have peed my pants from excitement, had they been on my body at the time or if I could breath. Which I still could not. With every force in my body I did the maneuver I had been taught earlier in the day throwing my legs around the front of the kayak and holding on as they paddled me back to my raft. There I was with the pants hanging safely around my thighs and my bare butt just below the surface. Every part of my strength being used to hold on to the kayak while inhaling Nile water as I reached my destination. Due to some sort of strange miracle I had survived pants and all, even managing to pull them up just before being tugged back into the raft by my guide.
Sitting safely above the water, out of harms way, I inhaled deeply. Filling my lungs with air that felt new, crisp and refreshing. I was alive and I had my pants.
(View of the nile from our hostel. Jinja, Uganda)
The instructor had been right, my hindsight showed me clearly that when she said you think your going to die, she really meant it. When I was calm under the water I hadn't yet hit the reality of the situation, or the emotions she had foretold. Once I did, I all but forgot that she had guaranteed our safety, all that existed to me were the waves crashing against me telling me my only options were dead or pants-less.
This is what reentry has been like. If I had anyway to describe it, this would be it. You are calm, ready to go home having heard all of the warnings about reality hitting along with frustration and possible withdrawal. You are assured that all of it is only temporary, that there is an end and you will survive. You head out ready, calm, patient, and even excited, you think you have successfully avoided all of the pitfalls when out of nowhere a crashing wave of american culture knocks you down.
The big picture gets lost amongst the insignificant details of life, making it hard to remember what you wanted. Whats in front of you is what you see and nothing more. Just when you have lost hope, and decided to sacrifice something to live, you get a revelation or a glimpse of the fathers heart that keeps you holding on. As you continue to maneuver through life feeling the tug of whats been dragging you down you know there's more. You dream again, knowing you are far from the end. Then you reach your destination, swept up into safety and you can inhale the deep breath of goodness all around you.
The moment you realize there is another side and you have reached it. Passions spill over, mysteries are unlocked and newness abounds.
I have reached safety and I am breathing deep the goodness around me. A friend told me the other day, "Your life is kind of lots of dreaming lately - I love it" Probably the most accurate description of where I am. Dreaming that has no constraints, and is stretching what I thought I would ever do. Dreaming deeply cause why not, I'm alive and I have my pants!
My calm attitude dissolved, along with the hope of catching a breath between the waves. I was dying, I had never been more certain of it in my life. My rafting instructor had not seen this coming. Her assurance of survival had not anticipated my untimely death. Her words were mere vapor swirling around me, taunting me for being decieved into believing they were true.
Panic gripped me as I struggled to reach the surface while keeping my feet from getting snagged by the bottom of the river. As instructed I had worn tight form fitting clothing, in order to prevent them from being removed by the force of the Nile. In this moment it was clear that the way too tight yoga pants I was wearing were no match for the strength they were surrounded by. My pants were being sucked right off my body, hanging a foot off of my toe threatening to trap me amidst the rocks hovering at the bottom of the river.
The fight between breathing and keeping my pants had commenced. Leaving me scared of any out come; A dead me intact with pants and all, or an alive pants-less me making it back to my raft minus two very important articles of clothing. Nothing else existed in that moment. My life consisted of only those two options, dead or pants less. I had given up my last attempt to tug my pants upwards, and decided my life, though marred by the idea of spending the next half of the day all but naked was better off alive. I was ready to sacrifice my insecurities to live. Just at that moment a kayak appeared above me telling me to grab on.
I could have peed my pants from excitement, had they been on my body at the time or if I could breath. Which I still could not. With every force in my body I did the maneuver I had been taught earlier in the day throwing my legs around the front of the kayak and holding on as they paddled me back to my raft. There I was with the pants hanging safely around my thighs and my bare butt just below the surface. Every part of my strength being used to hold on to the kayak while inhaling Nile water as I reached my destination. Due to some sort of strange miracle I had survived pants and all, even managing to pull them up just before being tugged back into the raft by my guide.
Sitting safely above the water, out of harms way, I inhaled deeply. Filling my lungs with air that felt new, crisp and refreshing. I was alive and I had my pants.
The instructor had been right, my hindsight showed me clearly that when she said you think your going to die, she really meant it. When I was calm under the water I hadn't yet hit the reality of the situation, or the emotions she had foretold. Once I did, I all but forgot that she had guaranteed our safety, all that existed to me were the waves crashing against me telling me my only options were dead or pants-less.
This is what reentry has been like. If I had anyway to describe it, this would be it. You are calm, ready to go home having heard all of the warnings about reality hitting along with frustration and possible withdrawal. You are assured that all of it is only temporary, that there is an end and you will survive. You head out ready, calm, patient, and even excited, you think you have successfully avoided all of the pitfalls when out of nowhere a crashing wave of american culture knocks you down.
The big picture gets lost amongst the insignificant details of life, making it hard to remember what you wanted. Whats in front of you is what you see and nothing more. Just when you have lost hope, and decided to sacrifice something to live, you get a revelation or a glimpse of the fathers heart that keeps you holding on. As you continue to maneuver through life feeling the tug of whats been dragging you down you know there's more. You dream again, knowing you are far from the end. Then you reach your destination, swept up into safety and you can inhale the deep breath of goodness all around you.
The moment you realize there is another side and you have reached it. Passions spill over, mysteries are unlocked and newness abounds.
I have reached safety and I am breathing deep the goodness around me. A friend told me the other day, "Your life is kind of lots of dreaming lately - I love it" Probably the most accurate description of where I am. Dreaming that has no constraints, and is stretching what I thought I would ever do. Dreaming deeply cause why not, I'm alive and I have my pants!
Oh man I love this, and I completely know what you're talking about! I can't wait to actually talk to you.
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