Making Friends Is Exhausting

I’m going to be real. Making friends is exhausting.

I want to skip the beginning part of getting to know someone and jump straight to the best friends for life part.  To the pour your heart out while you sip coffee on your couch at 2 in the morning part.

Ok, that may be an exaggeration. Everyone knows I don’t drink coffee and that I’m secretly 87 years old and definitely wouldn’t be awake at 2 in the morning. If I could manage to still feel like I was in my 20’s and have a 9 o’clock bed time I would.

So, maybe I don’t want that exact reality but you know what I mean.

I want the heart to hearts that go deep, none of that surface stuff. I want the ridiculous, running around the house squawking like a bird because it’s past my 9 o’clock bed time and we’re delirious fun. I want the feel like you’re a 12 year old girl while you talk about your crush on the couch friendship. (What? I’m a missionary,  not dead)

The hop in your car ……wait….I live in Japan. No car. More like the walk 30 minutes down the hill, and hop on a train to find an adventure friend. Someone who will obsess over fall with me, do endless baking, while watching Casper, and Hocus Pocus. The do absolutely nothing and still have a great time friend.

The reality right now is I don’t have that and sometimes it’s hard.

I’ve gotten used to doing it by myself, and honestly it gets lonely. I still laugh. All. The. Time. In fact just today I took 850 selfies and laughed for a good two hours while doing it. I baked pumpkin biscuits and made mashed potatoes and practically snorted all of the nutmeg and cinnamon because it smelled like home. I went to a conference, studied dissociative personality disorder, learned Japanese and painted my nails.  It was a good day but I missed having people to do it with.

After a day that would have been ideal at any other point, I was a sobbing mess.

I found myself curled up in my blankets wishing for someone who really knew me to come walking in the door. Who would accept my blubbering tears and over dramatic slow motion replay of my glorious day. Since I knew that wouldn’t happen I popped in my ear phones and called the first person I could think of.

It’s been a weird transition and most of the time I love it but sometimes I get lonely. That’s when I call, skype, text or smoke signal my best friends back home. I unload every last detail on them no matter how insane I sound and they take it all in. They know me so well. I have never been more grateful for a group of people in my life.

In these last couple of months they have skyped with me while I cried, when I couldn’t do anything but rave about everything happening here and when I just needed to completely weird out.  I have listened to them as life has side swiped them and left them weeping messes and when joyful new seasons have begun.

These women have been with me through more then I ever thought possible. Life has flipped us around, uprooted us, changed all of our plans and yet we are still here. Half a world away they have been just the life and community I have needed.

I have spent weeks praying for a woman to come along who I could be myself with and to just have fun. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed. I didn’t stop to think that God had answered it a long time ago. They may not be in person but these women have been a community that has stood the test of time, location, and trials. Through their friendships I have felt loved, known, cared for and encouraged. We laugh more then I know what to do with and I know my heart is fully seen.

I’m settling into life here, and as everything comes together I am so grateful that no matter how far away they are, I am absolutely not alone. And plus side they get to hear all about the wonderful blunders of my awkward encounters with new people. Win win. 

Settling In: Getting My Visa

I am a nester by nature. I thrive on feeling settled and knowing that things are taken care of. When things are uncertain I wrestle with being fully invested.

The main thing I found myself struggling with being here was not having my visa taken care of. It’s the one thing that says I am set here for at least three years. Each step we took to figure out my visa seemed to come with it’s very own set backs. I was in a constant state of limbo. Wondering if I should start everything I wanted to or if I needed to wait in order to see how things were going to play out.

We called the immigration office only to find out that it was impossible to accomplish what we needed to do without me leaving the country first. I was told it was impossible to switch my status because my visa had been issued before I entered the country which meant I needed to head to South Korea or some other nearby country in order to get my visa there.

We made the decision to try and get my visa anyways. After heading to Kobe which took roughly 1.5 hours we made our way to the immigration office where they told us it was possible but that we lacked the necessary paperwork.

After four days I had finished all of the paperwork and headed to Kobe alone in order to get my visa. After submitting my paperwork, taking my number and waiting 2 hours I was called up to the desk. I was ready for them to hand me my visa and head out but that’s not what happened. They called me up to tell me that they weren’t going to be able to issue my visa because of the same reasons they had given me previously.

At this point I was determined. There was no way I was going to leave that office without my visa in hand. For an hour I talked to official after official explaining why I couldn’t get my visa beforehand and how I needed it now.  I tried everything. They sent me away from the desk countless times in order to talk to someone higher then them.

Finally I sat down and said “Jesus you know me and my heart, you know what I need in order to be settled. In order for me to fully be present I need this to be finished. I will leave the country to get the visa if that’s the only way but I would really prefer to not have to do that. If there is another way, then please make it happen”

That wasn’t the first time I had prayed for favor in this process, in fact my entire time here has felt like one gigantic prayer. But, this one was clear. I needed a solution and I needed it now. After I prayed that I felt complete peace. Yes getting my visa now would be convenient and much more cost effective then going to another country but either way God was in it. It was clear I was getting my visa whether it was now or later.

When they called me up to the desk again I had decided to accept whatever I would need to do in order to get it. To my shock they said they had decided to accept my visa, all I had to do was write down why I wasn’t able to obtain it prior to this moment, sign it and I would be on my way.

I didn’t fully believe it was real until I had my residency card in hand and was walking out of the building. It was done. I am here. I felt a shift in myself. I went from a place of uncertainty to one of complete clarity. I wasn’t going to be leaving this place anytime soon. It was such a small thing to have happened yet it was monumental to me.

My time here has been completely different then I had imagined but it has been so good. I have fought high highs and low lows. Culture shock has taken it’s toll on me but I know I am here for a reason. I love this country and it’s people and I am ready to fully be here.

Don't Miss Your Life: loving the in-between

I got a chance to sit with my roommate recently and talk about my heart. The excitement I feel about squad leading such an incredible group of people. How I can’t wait to give away everything I have to give, but that I’m just not there yet. I told her how my heart is here, resting, sitting, and soaking in every moment. That I am all to aware of what Squad Leading entails and how I know my heart will fall in love with this group of people over and over again for the next year of their life. That as much as I love them, I don’t want to miss out on the beauty that is in the in-between.

When life is in constant motion and anticipation of the next thing it’s easy to forget about what’s right in front of you. I have fallen trap to this way of thinking for way longer then I would care to admit. Feeling as though each moment in my life is an anticipation of something greater.

In college it was waiting for real life to start. Once real life started I was waiting for the next adventure. While on an adventure I was waiting for the next time I could just sit and be. Somehow forgetting the beauty of the moment I was in, skipping chunks of life day dreaming of something yet to come.

If you were to look at my life right now you would see that I am in the in-between. Living in Georgia, with no job until I leave to squad lead in September. It would look a whole lot like waiting. Yet, it’s nothing like that. A more accurate depiction of what this time is to me would be soaking.

Soaking in friendships that have been separated for too long. Soaking in the freedom to sit on my couch and write a blog while listening to Young Rebel Set. Staying up late into the night for no other reason then to giggle about guys and drink wine. Soaking in the moments of silence where I can choose to do whatever I feel like.

Taking the time to be present for the people who are directly in front of me, while giving them my full attention and time. Valuing conversations, laughter and joy above getting things done. Finding the hidden treasures in each day, without letting them pass me by.

My time in Georgia has been rejuvenating in every sense of the word. An answer to a prayer I didn’t know I was praying. It has been a time of being myself without any precedent of how that should look. I have had incredible moments of sitting with the Father while he whispers truth and love over me, as well as friends who confirm and call out those truths in my life.

As I press into the relationships in front of me here, I am learning more and more about what it looks like to value peoples time and honor them with my full attention. Though they may seem worlds apart, by being present here I am preparing myself to be present with my squad fully while I am with them. To take advantage of each moment as I am in it, without waiting for the next thing.

 I love that in all the chaos that life entails, I have been handed this gift of time; A gift that I don’t intend to waste. In this season I plan on fully embracing the beauty of the in-between. 

Our Legacy: Couple Squasher

Every Squad Leader leaves a legacy. This is the story of Robby, Megan and mine.

Our legacy: The Squashlers.

Now if you have no idea what that means have no fear, I didn’t either when I first heard it. It sounds an awful like a mythical creature that lurks in the shadows waiting to pounce on you. Well, that’s not far from the truth. Except we are not mythical, in fact we are very very real, and many have been pounced on by us. To the point of being Squashed.

I my friend am a Squasher who has been a part of creating many Squashlers. Our squads wonderful word mash up of all of the squashed couples that we helped ensure.

It wasn’t by accident. It was pretty calculated actually. The three of us all had “potential couple” war stories from our race. Messy heart stuff we walked into with someone else on our original squads. No matter how well we thought we were protecting ourselves at the time, it left a sticky residue that we didn’t want to see our squad covered in. So, we made a choice that they were not going to have to deal with the mess of relationships on the field, we would put an end to it the second we saw it sprout up.

So, we did. Any instance of batting eye lashes, flirty banter, or side ways glances to the opposite sex caught our attention. If it happened more frequently, then it was time to squash it. It always started out the same way, awkward and fumbling for words. I knew it was worth fighting to protect their journey, to not let it get mucked up by time spent dreaming of someone else.

However, That did not make it any easier to do. Each time, I sat in a conversation as if it was my first time. Not wanting to accuse, wanting them to understand I was for them, which is why we were talking in the first place.

After more conversations then I thought I could handle, the squad was picking up on our mini interventions. If you liked someone, you’re getting talked to. If we think you like someone, you’re getting talked to. If we think there’s potential that you might start liking someone, you’re getting talked to. If you spend hours in the corner having whispered conversations with someone, you’re definitely getting talked to.

Suddenly I got really nervous, I knew this was worth fighting for but I didn’t want them to think I was going to throw them in a lions den if they so much as sat next to someone of the opposite sex.

Then something shifted, we were no longer coming to people, they were coming to us. Open, willing honest hearts about feelings, possible feelings, lust, everything, it all came pouring out. I didn’t expect it, it shocked the hell out of me in fact.  

We got to walk out their feelings with them, we got to talk about the importance of not putting themselves in compromising situations, of honoring the other persons journey and letting them walk it out heart tangle free. We were able to pull from our own experience and encourage them with a “been there done that, it’s not worth it”. It was a month of many long awkward conversations, and ones that brought me hope that there was a different way to do this journey.

It was one month and then we dropped it. There were very few instances where talks were needed after that. People got it. Now don’t get me wrong, everyone didn’t suddenly stop fancying everyone else. No, they learned to honor their covenant and put it on hold. They learned to be present where they were and not compromise the incredible journey they had the opportunity to go on.

Now hear me when I say the three of us are for relationships. We all want someone to put a ring on it, or I guess in Robby’s case he wants to put a ring on it. We also understand there is a time for that, and it is not during a year where you are getting physically, spiritually and emotionally wrecked. Cause lets face it, when you are on a continent where it’s hot, your tired, and the only males that speak your language are the ones you have been travelling with for a year it’s pretty easy to just close your eyes, spin in a circle, point at one and claim them as your own. Not a good choice.  

I loved hearing how shocked my squad was to find out about other squads who already had couples while they were still on the field. It meant to them it wasn't normal, it wasn't time, they listened! Then to hear that they proclaimed us as couple squashers because of how we approached the situations month one and how greatful they were for our forwardness let me know it was all worth it . Heck yes I will gladly take that title. Cause what I have in front of me is a group of people who got to side step the junk I had to wade through during and after my race. People who don’t have to regret wasted time on a dude or chick.

Now what I have is people who fought to protect their covenant and couples that are coming out of this squad knowing they didn’t compromise their journey for it. I mean shoot, I compromised my race for it, I get it, it happens. There’s no judgment on any one if they did do that. I am just glad to be on this side of it now and know there are less broken hearts at the end of this thing because we decided to suck it up and dive into the awkward uncomfortable things head first.

The forbidden S word....Slut.

I have noticed something really interesting lately. First off I am so far from who I once was, that things in my past feel like a figment of my imagination. Secondly when you are completely confident in who you are and talk about your past freely and honestly it makes people really uncomfortable.

I could probably phrase it in a way that didn’t make them squirm in their seats, but to be honest I rather enjoy their reactions. So I stick to the tried and true method of being completely raw when I start a sentence with this phrase, “I used to be a major slut”. More times then not I say it without even thinking, to me I am just calling it what it is. As soon as the words leave my mouth, I see varying reactions. Eyes twitching, poor attempts to hide cringing, shifting in seats, a very blatant looking around to see if anyone else heard.

I am free from who I once was, therefore I feel freedom to be completely honest about who I was without shame or guilt. The interesting thing is when you let someone new into that part of who you were, you can see them begin to assume that shame or guilt for you. It’s like they take it on, wondering how in the world you could say that and not be weary of what people would think.

Well the simple answer is, because that is not who I am. It does not define my worth, nor does it take away from my value. It is something I did. There are times where I can look back on a decision and think, “Seriously! Come on Hailey pull yourself together. If only you knew the love that is waiting for you, the confidence, the passion you would not be doing what you are.”

But, I didn’t know and so I did the only thing I knew how to do at the time to try and feel anything remotely like love. I slutted it up.

It was a low point, but an even lower point was when I walked away from it and I felt like I had to hide it. To conceal it so that people wouldn’t see my flaws, and faults. I hid my past so people would take me seriously and support me in being a missionary. I could only imagine people’s reactions if I was honest. I could almost hear them saying, “What makes this broken, used up, slutty girl qualified to even attempt to bind up the broken hearted, or bring healing to anyone?”

Good point, what does make me qualified? Absolutely nothing, and you know whats great about that is it doesn’t matter, nothing qualifies me and yet he chose me. He says I’m enough, I’m called, I’m worthy. Knowing that has changed everything in my life; Knowing that means I can look anyone in the eyes and be completely honest about who I was. Knowing that means I can look women in the eyes all over the world and tell them whatever you did is not bigger then him and he still wants you.

So to the world: My name is Hailey and I used to be a major slut. I’m redeemed, renewed and made new. I will not be defined by the actions of an insecure part of my life, nor will I let it be hidden and fester to create shame and guilt inside of me.  Whoever you are and whatever you’ve done that you think is to big for God, it’s not.

Maybe it’s time for those of us who have stepped in the messier parts of life and walked out of it, to be honest about where we came from, and what we have become instead of pretending it never happened. There is freedom in us being transparent and raw.