Just when I was ready to throw in the towel.

60 

Thats how long I have been back. 

52

How many days, I woke up wondering why I was here. 

Wanting to be anywhere else. 

2 

The seconds it took for everything to change. 

I always heard about this mythical thing called reentry. 

I thought I was ready for it. 

I wasn't. 

It knocked me down, kicked me around, and threatened that I would never get back up again. 

I fought. 

I gave up

I cried. A lot. 

Like, A LOT! Almost everyday for two weeks. 

I got back up again. 

I sought intimacy with the Lord. 

I ran from intimacy with the Lord. 

I messed up. 

I was not perfect. 

I yelled, cussed, screamed. 

At family, at myself, at the Lord. 

Dramatic? Yeah.

I was depressed. 

I was Happy. 

I knew who I was. 

I had no idea how to be who I knew I was. 

The smallest thing sent me over the edge. Things entirely unnoticed by others were devestating to me . One little word, one wrong glance, or wrong tone from another person and I was sucked back into this perpetual state of tears. 

I wanted to fight back, to claim my ground and stand firm in who I was. All standing seemed to get me was wobbly legs that crushed beneath the weight of what I was carrying. The weight of broken expectation, lost dreams, and fear of the future. 

I constantly fought the lie that I had no purpose here, that the only place it could come to fruition is abroad. America was a waste of my time. Surrounded by people who found this place to be their own personal heaven, when all I felt was locked in a cage. Words swirled around me, of congratulations for making it back. Of surviving the torment of third world countries. Torment? I was alive, passionate, happy. What do I have now? Things, lots and lots of things. No community of which to speak of and a family that I love but which feels suffocating at times. 

I hated that I so often encouraged people to not let their circumstances dictate their behavior and here I was doing just that. Afraid of everything. 

Losing. 

Winning. 

Failing. 

Succeeding. 

Letting people down. 

Giving them too much hope in me. 

It came to a head one night, when I was at the end of myself. Trying wasn't working, avoiding was leaving me vacant, and striving....well I wasn't. At least that would have meant I was doing something. 

I had become complacent at best. 

My relationship with the Lord was still alive and going, but my heart wasn't in it. I was so concerned with my purpose, figuring out what I could do, who I could be and become, and how I could be successful. I  was behind the curve career wise and wanted to know how to catch up. I sought to read my bible a certain amount every day, to make sure I journaled,  and prayed. Out of obligation. All obligation. To somehow meet a self imposed quota that I was still a good christian. I felt far from that, I struggled wondering how God ever chose me to do the things he has let me. Inadequacy was quick to run to my side, and point out all of the things I have lacked in. Not given my all for. 

Obliterated. My spirit was heavy, crushed from the pressure I had been walking under. 

Then it happened. One slow step at a time. 

I chose contentment over disappointment. 

I decided to see the good. 

I packed up my pity party and asked God why he choose me. Turns out it didn't really have anything to do with me. It wasn't because I was awesome, and always had the right words. Or that my wisdom was so great that he couldn't deprive the world of it. In fact, it's because his power is made perfect in weakness, and dang was I weak. His goodness shined through me, because he is always good. He is always faithful, and true and right even when I stumble and fall. 

If he can love a mess like me, there is no one he can't love. The redemption over my life is crazy. I'm talking mind blowing. I still can't believe how far he has brought me. I'm not there all the time, sometimes I freak out and panic and say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing and lead with selfish ambition. That doesn't change that he chose me, before I was even a thought in someones mind, he knew everything about me. Every hair on my head. Every single one. He knows my choices before I make them and he still chose me. 

Basically, I told God, "I love you, but I just don't care about you right now. I want to. Show me how." 

Well he did. 

I saw life again. 

My dreams were reawakened. 

Desperation for more of him. 

A knowing that I am chosen. 

A shift. like the curtain broke over my life all over again. 

Chains fell off. 

Perspectives changed. 

Fear was unhinged. 

Life restored. 

Encouragement began to flow from me. 

I was new, I was the same, yet not at all. 

I still am figuring out life here. Americas not a waste, I was just lost in it and wan't sure how to reconcile what I have seen and experienced with where I found myself. I'm a work in progress, every day is a choice. So, I am choosing peace. Everyday I will choose peace. I will choose life, passion, and perserverance and when I mess up I will stand back up and make the choice to choose those things all over again. 

I have Joy, my circumstances haven't changed, where I am has stayed the same. My family is just as suffocating as ever, but beyond that they hold a deep well of love for each other and I am blessed to have them in my life. I still don't know many people, but none of that is the point, and none of that determines my Joy. I have Joy because he has made me capable of having it. He shifted everything so I could get back to the point. Him. 

So, I take one step forward...