Oh hey, is that Hailey singing?

This blog is about the scariest thing I could ever possibly imagine doing, that I went ahead and did. I'm talking scary, hide under a desk while you imagine every ones reactions and suddenly deem yourself unworthy without ever actually waiting to hear what anyone else has to say. Or is that just me?  Self criticism at it's finest, I unfortunately seemed to have mastered it. Time to put a stop to that one right about now.

So here it is folks, the thing that scares me to the point of almost not posting it. Well actually posting it, then deleting it, then getting upset at myself for being so afraid of what people would say and so redoing it and posting it again.

It's a song, that I wrote, and sang. Even typing that makes me want to close out this blog, pat myself on the back and turn around without anyone else having to be apart of it. Yet, that's not whats going to happen. It's going to be out here for the whole world to see, and by the whole world I mean the whole 2 readers that actually follow my blog. Congratulations for being one of them.

Basically I have found myself in a place where I am completely and utterly in love with Thailand. Recently everyday seems to be a struggle to not hop on a plane and go there. Yet I know it's not the right time, so here I sit. It all came to a head the other night, when I laid it all out there for the Lord and word vomited my frustrations. With him, with me, with the checkout lady at Walmart for jipping me my 5 cents, and with feeling like I'm on pause, again.

It came to a point where I realized once again that I cant avoid talking about things, just in the hopes that I will trick God into doing what I want him to do. Also I realized once again that somewhere deep inside me I believed that God didn't have my best interest in mind. That if I said I hated something that he was going to give it to me and if I said I loved something that he was going to take it away from me. I don't know where all this junk came from, but it is junk. It is no longer welcome in my life.

 Just as I vomited out my distrust I received a revelation of God's goodness that broke me down in a big way. Basically I got a verbal smack down of some long lost prayers I had prayed and how I had been blind to how the Lord was leading me to them. I had been so focused on the desert I found myself in that I couldn't see past the heat and dryness I was tasting.

In the midst of all of these revelations and emotions zooming around me God whispered, be passionate. Man, I was made to be passionate, on fire, creative, alive. I needed an outlet for the things that were heavy on my heart, and God reminding me of the creativity he placed inside of me, gave me license to use it. I sat with a guitar in my hands, a pen n' paper sitting in front of me and processed through my emotions. I wrote about the place I love, the people I want to see set free, and the injustice that leaves me feeling helpless at times.

That's what you have before you, my outlet. My creative take on the things that weigh on my heart each day. In this particular instance it was a little girl who was sold in to sex slavery in Thailand. So without further ado or drawn out explanation here it is.