Fighting my way to the Inevitable

So, for all of you who don't know, I am leading a trip to Kenya. Starting in approximately 12 days. Shocking, I know. Who would have ever thought I would go back to Africa. Well besides, my squad, my family, my friends, my neighbors, that random stranger I met once on the street..... OK, I guess the real question is who DIDN'T think I would be going back to Africa. Oh thats right, ME. Go figure.

You see I like to do this thing where I run the opposite direction of where God is leading me. I try and mind trick him into sending me other places. Turns out, that doesn't work. Go figure. When I signed up for Passport, (big secret revealed) I actually signed up to go to Thailand or India. Why those places? Well because I absolutely adore Thailand, and I had never been to India.

                                          My posse of little ones, walking me into town, Kenya 

The whole time I felt God saying, "he hem, Hailey I said Africa" "oh whats that God?, sorry but I can't hear you over the keys typing in ANY other place but there"  One of my squad mates heard me talking about applying to go to India and I think her exact words were, "If you stop lying to yourself it will make things easier, we all know your going to be in Kenya."  This was in month 8, while we were in Kenya for debrief. I knew she was right. God said it over and over and over and over and over and over again. Why did I not listen? Well because I am me, and seem to like to do things the hard way. I wanted to prove to God that if I wanted to go somewhere else, I could.

So what happened? Well I procrastinated applying. Then when I finally did, I got a call back saying, "I know you applied for Thailand or India, but the only spot we have open still is for Kenya, how do you feel about that?" I laughed. Out loud. During my interview. All I could think was, of course it's the only place left open. Tricky tricky Lord.I had fought my way to the inevitable. By this point God had my heart so wrapped up in leading college students and pouring into them that it didn't matter where I went. It didn't matter where I went? ha this is a clear sign you went on the world race. They could have said Antarctica and I would have gone. Cause I know God is at work anywhere I go, and well he's the reason I go. Why try and avoid it then?

I have recently been contemplating why I tried to ignore God and run the opposite way. Cause absolutely every person who was with me in Kenya knew I found my heart the second we got there. They knew it was the one month out of everywhere I have ever been that I was present in. I didn't reminisce about past countries and miss them and I didn't sit imagining what the next countries would be like. I was there.  I loved the people, the place, the landscape, the weather. It all felt like home. I knew it, my team knew it, and every person I met there knew it.

                             Drew this our first church service in Kenya.  Prophetic? I would say so....

That was the problem. I knew it. I didn't want to know it. Africa is a hard place to be. It takes a toll, and wears you out, and by the end of 3 months in three different African countries, I didn't know if I could do it anymore. I had counted the cost, and to me the price seemed to high. God told me he was going to show me the cost of choosing his path while we were there, and he did. Man, did he ever. How could I turn around and say alright God I counted it and well, no thanks. I don't know, but I managed to do it.

 In all honesty. Kenya has never left me. I think about it all the time. It got to the point where the second I did, I just completely shut it down. "Nope Lord. Thanks though." My biggest fear has been that God would take me their and make it where I never want to leave. Because if I'm honest, I feel it. I feel him moving in it. I feel him saying I made your heart for this place. I feel it in the fact that God gave me a co-leader who's heart is in Kenya too. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN! He makes it happen, like always. He's God.

So since I was accepted to lead the Passport team to Kenya, all I can think is, What now? What does this mean? Well, the place I am at now after a month of processing what going back to Kenya means, is that I am going with a willing heart. I am choosing to say yes instead of no. God knows my heart is there, and so instead of saying I don't want to go back and feel everything you have for me, I am saying BRING IT ON. I'm not holding back any longer. I am going to love with everything I have in me, and hold onto nothing. I am willing to see where God leads me. I am willing to stay and I am willing to leave. It's not up to me, it's up to him. "Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay, and your people will be my people."

                                                        Outside our house in Kenya 

I don't know whats going to happen, or what plan God has for me. All I know is I am open for anything.

Also I know for a fact that this all stems from the HOURS I spent praying for Africa growing up. God gave me a heart for their for as long as I can remember and I ushered it in with my prayers. To go there and stay there. So seriously be careful what you pray for, God answers. It's a beautiful, crazy road you will have ahead of you.   :)